The Good Rabbi's Blog

Now, don't get me wrong. My best friend is a mystery wrapped in an enigma, blanketed in Prosciutto. I've often said that he's made up (in celebrity terms, at least) of approximately one third Hunter S. Thompson, one third Eric Cartman, and one third Frasier Crane. He is an avid gun nut, enjoys outdoorsy activities, is constantly engaged in a never-ending turf war with both his two English bulldogs, and his arch-enemy: the lawn. He's been known to barbecue in the dead of winter (he's a maaaan. He drinks Scotch, he reads the news...), and I've actually seen him cry, but only when having to choose between watching a college basketball game or a hockey game.

Yet at the same time, he's not above kicking back in the Eames chair, putting on some Mahler, and enjoying a glass of Poire William. We've had many discussions about girls from our hometown and shared college experience, and we've smoked all kinds of ill shit - turkeys, ribs, and brisket on the grill, and Cohibas, Romeo y Julietas, and other various forms of herbal refreshment. He's a man in that Steve McQueen sort of way, so again I ask, what the hell is he doing with bath salts?

Well, my friends, the answer is something that I learned during my time out in San Francisco. Now I used to think that I was familiar with gay culture, but until you've lived in San Fran, you really can't lay claim to that. That's where I learned about the three exemption rule. You see, with the introduction of the whole cult of metrosexuality, a heterosexual man is allowed up to three exemptions before he officially has what my grandmother calls "the gay." For example, I'm a straight guy (at least the fiancee hopes so...). However, I have extremely sensitive skin on my face, and when I shave, as eventually all guys must, I bleed heavily. So I have a whole shaving regimen that I use to keep my skin moist and generally not bleed. That's one exemption. * (See Note 1) As the fiancee will confirm, I have no other habits that are distinctly feminine, so I'm still straight.

The guy I lived with in San Fran, he not only uses all sorts of lotions, bath products, and oils (one exemption), he also makes candles, bakes, plays with cats (second exemption), and sleeps with other men (three exemptions). Therefore, no matter what he might say, he's gay. Now don't get me wrong, sometimes either one of the exemptions, or one of a man's other habits, may be strong enough to pull the overall equation in one direction or another. My ex-housemate sleeps with other men, so even if he killed a wild boar with his bare hands, I would still say he's gay.

The disgracefully aging gentleman, on the other hand, dabbles with bath products, and also uses the same shaving regimen that I do, so he has two exemptions used. But on the other hand, his love of fire (barbecue), guns, and college basketball, as well as his complete ineptitude in the baking and horticultural arenas, are enough to sway him more to the straight side. So he can get away with another exemption, but any more than that, and he'd have the gay - not that there's anything wrong with that... ** (See Note 2)

* Note 1: My best friend, the disgracefully aging gentleman himself, vigorously disputes this point: since this is medical, he claims that the Man Law is clear, and that this is a deduction, and not an exemption, leaving me with three exemptions under English Common Man Law.

** Note 2: The disgracefully aging gentleman claims that you have to make a distinction between deductions, exemptions, and tells. Deductions are things that you would normally have to claim as an exemption unless you have an excuse (e.g. medical conditions), exemptions are lifestyle related items that by themselves do not necessarily indicate gayness, but collectively can take you past the threshold of gayness. Tells (borrowing a term from poker) are factors that are sufficient conditions by themselves for gayness. He claims that Man Law makes clear what the "Tells" are:

1. Has sex with other men.
   
2. Is a fan of Barbra Streisand, Judy Garland, Bette Midler, or Liza Minelli.
   
3. Is sensitive to the needs of others.
   
4. Enjoys watching Olympic Gymnastics.
   
5. Owns any clothing involving suede.
   
6. Has acceptable personal hygiene.
   

The disgracefully aging gentleman adds that there is a rough, but fairly accurate empirical field test of gayness. Try to get the suspect into a conversation with a beautiful woman. If he can't stop looking at her hair, he's gay. If he can't stop staring at her breasts, he's straight - end of story.